Journal Entry: May 9, 2002
My Dear Sweet Dusty,
So many emotions I never knew existed have introducd themselves to me since you went to our eternal home, Dusty. I know you wouldn't want me to feel these things, but I am still in the flesh and don't understand death fully yet. Maybe no one does until they actually leave this fleshly body. So be patient with me as I walk this new road God has placed me on.
Right now so many thoughts about "why and how and what if" are racing through my mind. I suppose at some point I will tell you about it, but for now.....
I looked in your black chest that you had, tonight for the second time since you died. (I don't like to say you "died" because your spirit body is eternal.) But anyway, the black chest tonight... I found some "gifts" (thats what they are now) that really mean a lot to me. An empty cologne bottle.. I remember you smelled like that- except of course when you had worked outside and gotten all sweaty. ha/ha. Remember when you tried to hug me when you were all sweaty? ha. You were wearing one of those T-shirt tank tops and blue jeans. And boy did you need a shower! You smiled at me and said, "I love you, Mom." and those 4 little words made me feel like the luckiest Mom in the world.
Oh to only hear them again!
I'll always love that smile just like I'll always love you.
Dusty, oh they are so lucky in heaven to have you! I have so much to talk to you about but for now, Mom has to get some sleep. One more thing first though ... I actually felt your presence while I wrote this tonight and it made me so happy.
I love you Dust- MOM
May 11, 2002 5am
Memories are a wonderful gift from God. He made our bodies, our emotions so unique. But at the same time memories are also strange as they have the ability to pop into my mind at anytime just out of the blue. Right now my memories seem to be connected to my emotions-- bittersweet.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Dusty,
Mornings seeem to be the hardest time for me at this time. I wake up and remember you're not here anymore. It makes me so very sad- you never liked to see me sad.
But Sunday, will be Mother's Day and- this will be my first Mother's Day not to have all my children on Earth. You won't go to church with me on Sunday, you won't be eating dinner with me, you won't have those special little presents for me this year- I wont get that big hug and smile from you or the "I love you Mom." None of these things will I have- physically anyways. Only my memories will I have- bittersweet ones.
Remember the charm you gave me one year that says "MOM"? I wear it everyday now. It means everyhing to me- Thank you for that gift Dust.
I love you, Mom
My Journey of Grief Page 3